If I may take this opportunity to step away from my online alias for a moment. I’d like to instead mention a topic that seems to be of great interest to the masses lately. Actually, no let me rephrase, not a topic… it’s one person. And barely a person at that, this chick isn’t even legal! And yet she is the most blogged about, emailed and Googled individual over the course of these past few days.

(nearly 18 million hits for HANNAH MONTANA?????… people, she’s not even real!)

Rant over. Ladies and gentleman, may I present, Ms. Miley Cyrus.

Yeah, her dad is that dude with the mullet from the 90s when he was a one hit wonder, stop mooching off your daughter’s success Billy Ray.

That being said, I feel an overwhelming need to address this issue directly…

 

Dear Ms. Cyrus,

I have to ask, did you really have it that bad? The fame, the glamour, the ridiculously unnecessary paycheck? Or was it the constant attention and praise that you didn’t like? What was it exactly that forced you to put your career in jeopardy? I’m just curious…

And all before the age of 16? At least your peers waited till adolescence to botch their pristine images.

Just a word of advice, smile in your mugshot. Those things get around, you know what I mean? A cute smirk, and maybe some loose curls is what I’m thinking. I’m just looking out for you Miley, it’s a harsh world. Better stay in that Disney bubble as long as you can. Oh wait, you most likely ruined that opportunity. You and the pregnant Spears kid have really been giving the children’s network a good name. Way to go ladies.

Girl power!

Gabby

PS. Eat something chickie- you’re looking a little thin.

      

I love Sunday in the Park With George.  A lot.  More than someone probably should.

Fine.  I admit that.

That being said, this new production (http://sundayintheparkonbroadway.com/) drives me absolutely insane.  Not because it’s outright terrible - because it’s not.  Empirically, it’s probably a really good production.  My issues with the current revival of Sunday in the Park With George stem from the fact that there are some huge mistakes being made on that stage every night that are part of the production (it was transferred directly from the West End, so it pretty much arrived in the same form it was going to open) that could have easily been fixed… and just weren’t.  So instead of a breathtaking production of the first Broadway revival of one of Sondheim’s master works - not to mention one of my favorite musicals - we get this wildly imperfect, extremely frustrating fabrication eight times a week.

To kick things off, I think Jenna Russell should be shot for not giving Dot her all every night, when a million other actresses would kill to play that part; I think Caroline Humphris should be subjected to cruel and unusual punishment for her absolutely horrific musical direction; Chris Gatelli should be drawn and quartered for his terrible (complete lack of?) musical staging.  But this blog will be dedicated to my biggest problem with said production:  one Mr. Sam Buntrock (director).  Child prodigy.  And by “child,” I mean “completely misguided.”  And by “prodigy,” I mean “idiot.”

Many people say that Sunday in the Park With George, “like Into the Woods,” they always say, could stand just fine without the second act.  While I agree this might be true for Into the Woods, this can’t be true for Sunday in the Park With George.

At the end of the first act of Into the Woods, for all intents and purposes, all loose ends are tied up.  The good people got what they wanted, and the bad people got what they deserved.  It’s not until the beginning of Act Two that we see everything “ever after” didn’t wrap up quite so “happily.”

Now before you read any further, prepare yourselves, I feel a rant coming on… don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In Sunday in the Park With George, however, there is - or at least should be, PAY ATTENTION SAM - one big loose end that remains untied until the end of the show.  That loose end is George’s relationship with Dot.

At the end of Act One, Dot tries one last time to make it work with George.  When she realizes “[They] Do Not Belong Together” she leaves.  Very upset with George and with herself for thinking he could ever love her.  Dot hates George.  That’s why she leaves.  Of course, this all ends up being beautifully resolved in “Move On” when George’s grandson finally makes a connection with his great-grandmother (Dot, no less) and everyone works out their issues (and I sob silently in my seat).

The point is Dot leaves hating George.  My favorite moment in the Great Performances DVD of Sunday in the Park With George is during the Act One finale “Sunday.”  Mandy Patinkin goes to hand Bernadette Peters the leash that he just clipped to the monkey in the painting, and she gives him this AMAZING look.  Without saying anything, she expresses to him and to us exactly how she feels about him and their relationship.  And, guess what… she hates him.  A lot.  And she still doesn’t understand how he can let her go.  Then, she looks away and is concentrating, like a good model should.

 

The point, again, is that (say it with me) Dot. Hates. George!

Anyway, in this production, that moment is gone.  Daniel Evans goes to hand Jenna Russell the imaginary leash and… they share a beautiful moment.  Oh yeah.  It’s not just that the moment is gone… there’s still a moment.  And it’s beautiful.  You can hear the freaking love theme from Titanic if you listen closely.  Jenna looks at him longingly and lovingly and smiles at him as she extends an arm out toward him, lingering on his touch.

Follow me…. here.  If Dot really loved George as much as Jenna Russell’s Dot clearly loves Daniel Evans’ George…. WHY WOULD SHE LEAVE?  Why wouldn’t she run back to him one last time and give it yet another go???

IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.  And it drives me insane.

I warned you, didn’t I? Don’t worry, I’m not done yet…

Because without that imperfect ending to their relationship (remember, that’s the last time Dot sees George… because she runs off to America to move on and then GEORGE DIES.  It’s not a happy ending until Act Two.)  However, in this production… we get a happy ending.  And if all our loose ends are tied up, WHY IS THERE A SECOND ACT???  Why would Dot need to come back?  If she already knows George loves her, if everything is resolved for her, WHY DOES SHE NEED TO COME BACK???  In “Move On” Dot isn’t just there for George, she’s there for herself, too.  So don’t give me that bullshit that she just wanted to help George.  She does a lot of explaining in that song about why she left for someone who purportedly doesn’t feel guilty.

In short, Sam Buntrock is an idiot and deserves some cruel and unusual punishment.  Pronto.  This is the first Broadway revival of one of Sondheim’s beloved work… not some community theater production at the White Plains Performing Arts Center.  Maybe let’s not make huge, fundamental errors, Sam, shall we?

This is why I need to be in charge of everything.  Obviously I’m the only one who can be trusted with such things.

Let’s ease into this series of reviews slowly… for who knows how this will end. I’m telling you, overrated yet dissapointing theater is a sick guilty pleasure of mine. BUT, before you write me off as “that girl,” I will say the following…

Laura Linney is pretty fantastic. You happy? There might be a glimmer of hope for the cynical chick.

 
Regardless, back to Ms. Linney, this isn’t about me. I think we can all agree on my previous abrupt statement, yes?  Even her co-star in the current production of Les Liaisons Dangereuses, on Broadway at the American Airline Theatre (http://dangerousonbroadway.com/), Ben Daniels, called her “a national treasure.”  And, again, who am I to argue. Shall I just lay it all there for ya? I will anyway…

 

 

Now before I begin, let me clear a few things up. Oh, I’m sorry, are you still reading through her impressive list of acting accomplishments? How rude of me, I’ll give you a minute. Whenever you’re ready, I’ll continue…

1.)    I’m not one of those people that hates it when a movie star infiltrates the Great White Way

2.)    Laura Linney is pretty fantastic…

3.)    Seriously, I’m not one of those people that hates it when a movie star infiltrates the Great White Way

OK, whew, that being said, as one of her biggest fans I feel as though it is my duty to admit the following; Laura Linney is really not good in said revivial of Les Liaisons… Like… REALLY not good. 

So what’s the problem here?  It’s clearly not Ms. Linney’s inability to act in general, since – see above: she’s pretty fantastic.  The Life of David Gale, anyone? Really, anyoner? Granted, she doesn’t have an Academy Award yet, but come on, we all know it’s coming. 

Moving right along, the problem isn’t her acting chops in general, so maybe you want to say “Well, maybe she’s just not right for the Broadway.”  Julia Roberts, put down the script please and step away from the stage.  Anybody see Three Days of Rain? I swear there were a few more people in that theater besides myself.  Yikes.  My point now is that Laura Linney, unlike some other pretty women from Hollywood, has lots of stage credit to her name, and well received stage credit at that.  Did you see her in The Crucible?  Phenom! 

So, let’s rule that out entirely, it’s not her inability to act (OBVIOUSLY), and it’s not the fact that she’s just not right for the stage.  So what the hell went wrong? 

The answer – the direction.  Again.  As seems to be the case with Roundabout-produced revivals this season (cfr. the Sunday in the Park With George fiasco).  Rufus Norris can now join the ranks of the esteemed (read: extremely hated by me) Sam Buntrock, as another director I would love to beat.  Violently. 

I’m getting to that bad place; let’s switch gears for a second. I’m going to do you all a favor and provide you a sneak peak into this production and save you your sanity and a good $50.

DO YOURSELVES A FAVOR

So in short (long?), another British director gets added to my list of people I would love to expunge from the race for ruining what could have been another wonderful theatrical experience (well, let’s not overstate that… actually, lets, why not. Laura Linney, that great talent he had at his creative disposal, is completely misdirected, in case you didn’t pick up on that, but the whole thing really is a pretentious snoozefest, Ben Daniels aside.  He’s a lot of fun.) 

In conclusion… way to drop the ball, Rufus!  Way to go!

 

 

 

 

 

Now, let’s be serious, Dr. Seuss is sweet, almost too sweet. In this endless Internet world, countless opportunities arise for bloggers such as myself to take on various personas. And playing mediator for children’s books isn’t exactly my forte. If you think otherwise then thanks? I guess?

Anyway! I find that when given an opportunity to post almost entirely anonymously, my online gay male persona comes out. And with this character in mind, my thoughts steer directly toward the theater (say it in the British accent… just do it, you know you want to…)

Yes, I want to be one of THOSE people. That critic that writes reviews that makes their readers cringe. The Simon Cowell of on the print world if you will. The person that says what people are thinking. That asshole that everyone hates to love… that is my dream. My mother would be so proud.

Now you might wonder why I can’t play this role as myself, my 23-year-old female self. Point well taken considering the fact that I could. However, that allows me the vulnerability of being written off as the premenstrual bitch, which although at times is fun; it becomes redundant after a while.

So instead, my alter-ego emerges… ladies and gentleman may I present…

Bitching and (ho)Moaning, a series of theater reviews for that cynic in all of us.

The optimism is contagious, isn’t it? Or is it just me?

 

Listen… I’ll admit it. I’m a sucker when it comes to Dr. Seuss. The feeling of overwhelming nostalgia alone is enough to make me whip out old yearbooks and sigh thinking of years gone by. OK, in reality I don’t even know where my yearbooks are and I’m pretty sure that elementary school was too traumatic to recount, BUT that’s beside the point.

In this, the month of his birth, I feel as though it’s only appropriate to pay homage to this man, Theodor Seuss Geisel, as he is less commonly known. A man whose world of topsy turvy is only comparable to one we might see after a particularly rough night of drinking. And even then, I’m still not clever enough to imagine wockets and grinches and turtles named Yertle.  But then again, few are.

Perhaps we could all benefit from an increase of Suess in our lives. Personally, I could handle a higher dosage.

That could be us, eating exotic delicacies in a house with a mouse. Or to make it a bit more Kosher, how about some lox in a box, with a fox of course. His effortless whimsy is catchy, isn’t it?

As it turns out, our world isn’t as eccentric or curvy as his, and most unfortunately, our daily conversations are not peppered with rhyme. Maybe we’re the ones that are doing it all wrong? Maybe in Seuss’s eyes there was nothing obscure at all about the abstract settings and characters he created. Through each published story he was able to allow us a brief glimpse into his world and maybe at times, even ask us to apply his effortless amusements to our own routines. 

 

However, we no longer buy into the notion of being as invincible and carefree as the characters in Seuss’s stories. Instead, we became realists; boring, preoccupied and prosaic versions of who he asked us to become! What happened?

With the brains in our head and the feet in our shoes we were supposed to steer ourselves any direction we choose. Unfortunately, mine didn’t exactly lead through fields of pastels or past toppling towers and glorified archways (however, it has encouraged me to use colored font, which is a step in the right direction…) And once the book closed, we were forced to snap out of our daze and return to reality, where elephants didn’t parade around on roller-skates and cats weren’t uninvited rowdy guests, but instead, dormant house pets.

What if we chose to live in this world of absolute fantasy, where upside down is right-side-up and nothing or no one is too outrageous to be real? Maybe if we all just took ourselves a little less seriously, we could find our way back there without having to physically open up the book and flip through its pages. In the meantime, we’ll remain standing up straight, but perhaps if we tilt our heads occasionally we could get a glimpse of the world as Dr. Seuss would have wanted us to see it.

 And will you succeed? Yes! You will indeed! 98 ¾ percent guaranteed!